The Caliente Mapron

Closely related to The Flaming Mapron, The Caliente Mapron tries to combine heat and men and it ends miserably. For some reason some people associate peppers with men. Not people who know men, but some people. There is nothing masculine about peppers. I mean what if I started selling aprons for when with an arbitrary fruit/veggies? Squash or tomatoes are no more feminine than peppers are masculine. Why then, are peppers masculine?

This seller goes on to explain their thought process: “The Man-pron is the perfect apron for guys. The long length and extra long waist ties will make any guy, from college guys to dads, look like real experts in the kitchen. And the Hot Chilis print will make any guy feel caliente!”

1.What the F' is a Man-Pron? It’s mapron.

2.What professional chef is decorated with peppers?
3.If some shlubby guy feels caliente because he’s wearing a mapron, this man either doesn’t know what caliente means OR he knows far too much about feeling caliente in women’s clothing/accessories. Nobody wins in this scenario.
4. Check out the sweet ass bow in the back.

What we love about this particular caliente mess of a mapron is that there is a convenient pocket at the neck region. I can’t tell you how often I am barbecuing and think “Gee golly… I wish there was a small pocket to keep an enveloped recipe card close to my esophagus in case I forget how to cook hotdogs.” The thing with grilling and barbecue is you don’t need a recipe card pocket because seldom do you need a recipe card when you are at the grill. Sure, you may need to know what goes in a steak marinade, but not at the grill. In fact, what a man should keep in this neck pocket is their man card, so somebody can take it from them as soon as they are seen wearing it.

The NSFW Caliente Mapron

For those who like the NSFW Surprise Flaming Mapron, these creepy maprons also come in Caliente.

The Flaming Mapron

Check out the first of the five most common flavor atrocities of maprons... The Flaming Mapron!

Ugga Ugga men love fire! Ugga Ugga men love cooking meat with fire! Ugga Ugga men love cooking meat with fire while wearing fire? This mapron comes from the understanding that men haven’t evolved since the cave man days, and men (like cavemen) are proud of their fire. One thing we've noticed, the selection of fire patterns hasn't evolved much either. We've found five different sellers with their own style of mapron, using the same painstakingly tacky flames. Check out how each mapron maker used the same flames for their own twist of the unmasculine.

The All Encompassing Flaming Mapron

Dad try this on. I wanted to see what you would look like if I lit you on fire.

"Born 2 Be Wild"

No man's interests on Facebook include: fire, motorcycles, and maprons.

The Incredibly Unmasculine Patchwork Flaming Mapron

Nothing says manly like patchwork! Also, only real men wear aprons without hemmed edges and apron strings...?

The Drinking Man's Mapron

Perfect for the father who wants to embarrass his children with his lack of style AND his drinking problem!

The Surprise NSFW Flaming Mapron

No words.

Maprons

We’ve mentioned our disdain for maprons before, but we never clearly defined the mapron.

Mapron (mā’prən) n. – a fictional garment of clothing that the women of Etsy believe men actually wear during BBQ’ing, filleting fish, cooking with barbecue sauce, or other masculine cookery.

Maprons are simple creatures. In the wild, they can be seen usually in one of five types of maprons. We imagine these mapron seamstresses paced back and forth in the Jo-Ann Fabrics quilting fabric sectionwith the conundrum of finding the perfect masculine patterned fabric and decided these four types of patterned fabrics were it. Little did they know, there is nothing masculine in the Jo-Ann Fabrics quilting section. Even if they found the magical patterned fabric, assembling the pieces into a mapron automatically makes their finished product as masculine as The View.

During this week we will be posting a new common mapron flavor every day of the work week. We also encourage you to find your own favorite maprons and send us pictures and links at metsyblog@gmail.com. We will post some of our favorites this week!

Pardon Our Absence...

We’ve been all sorts of busy. There’s been graduations, moving, finding a job, blue screens of death, still looking for a job, and even a new baby! But we are back with a vengeance. Well not really vengeance, I mean nobody wronged us. But we are back and we’ve come bearing mustaches! We’ve found through awesomely mustashtic products from Etsy sellers!

First, what better way of waking up than with a hot mustachioed cup of coffee? A mustache says a lot about a person. It tells you if the person is a cowboy, evil villain, or a Frenchman. Decide what your day will be like by sporting a similar mustache on your coffee cup! UptownAvenue’s 6 upcycled mustachioed stackable mugs with a holder is the perfect gift for anybody that likes starting their day with cream, sugar, and testosterone.

Maybe the morning is too early for all of this manliness. Maybe you have a mustache, but you want people to see it while you guzzle a beer instead of waiting for the mustache surprise once you put your beer down. Or maybe you just like mustaches and drinking! Whatever your reason might be, buy these mustachioed pint glasses and shot glasses. BreadandBadger’s sandblasted etched glassware is dishwasher safe and f’ing awesome.

Last but not least, we’ve got something for the ladies, alopecia patients, and prepubescent mustache aficionados. LittleAngelsJewelry is selling handmade mustache necklaces! This necklace, which was rocked by Lydia from last season’s Big Brother, is modeled after the mustache to beat all other mustaches. No, not you Tom Selleck… Mr. Pringles!

And with that, we bid you good mustache to you and good night.

Girlfriend+Bacon

It makes mathematical sense that:
Awesome+More Awesome=Awesomely Awesome.
If this makes sense, which it should then the same formula can be applied to the Equation: Girlfriend+Bacon=Awesomely Awesome.

We here at Metsy don't usually go for scarves or the crocheted, but we know the ladies love it. Show how much you love your special lady friend by giving her this lovely bacon and eggs scarf by TheHappyCrocheter. It's the ultimate compliment. It says, "Honey, the only thing that could make your more awesome is if you were covered in bacon." And let's face it, everything is a little better when it's covered in bacon. It's a compliment. She'll love it.

Keep Refrigerated

Bacon should be stored in the fridge until ready to be cooked, but don’t you wish you could just decorate with it instead? Luckily, DesignDude has created these bacon magnets so our homes aren’t covered with rotting bacon. We personally like the extra large raw magnets, but this smart man has a selection of different sizes and varieties of bacon.

These make great gifts for any guy with a fridge. Forget the felt bacon magnets or the "I <3 Bacon" magnets, these are the real deal. And they're cheap!

What a Glorious Scent

Who doesn’t like waking up to the smell of bacon? Pigs, Nazis, and my little sister going through her vegetarian phase. That’s it. Bacon is a widely loved scent but we cannot chain a person to the stove cooking it all day. There must be a better solution. The folks at Bleating Hearts Soap & Candle Company found that solution in their 11oz. Soy Bacon Candles.

While this seller suggests “Fool your room mates or boyfriend and fill your kitchen with the smokey smell of false hopes!” we hope if you plan on fooling your boyfriend with this candle, you do plan on making real bacon within the hour. Otherwise you’d be a jerk. A boyfriendless jerk..